Ramble Ramble No One Reads This

So I guess I'm going to ramble about my brain for a second here...actually it'll probably last a lot longer than a second. And I know no one really reads anything I write except my mom (hi mom<3) and maybe some random people. SO I feel pretty comfortable saying kind of just whatever I want. This is in fact my "Writings of Adventure" blog anyways. I'm literally writing and adventuring in my writing. Because let's be honest, everything is an adventure with the right attitude.

My most recent and preceding adventure is more of a mental one. I have been climbing mountains and trudging through valleys in my own cognitive terrain. Dealing with the health of my own consciousness and how to take care of myself and my thoughts. It's a little easier when you are able to define exactly the thoughts and why they work the way they do and how they form in the way they form when you are given a definitive word or label for your style of thinking. However, the rebuttal is true. The last thing anyone wants is to be put into a box and defined only as that word or phrase that carries its own baggage of stereotypes and assumptions.

So I don't define myself by my diagnosis, mainly because even with people who may have the same diagnosis, I am still unique in my own. Even in my own category there are subdivisions and subgroups with their own lists of each individual circumstance.

I am a fiercely passionate person with a wild imagination and a craving for adventure and new places to see. I have skills in art and design and I am able to use my spontaneous thinking to create new and magical creations. I am able to use my spirited mental methods to explore ideas and depths and concepts of a more bewildered intent.  It's fun being me but I firmly believe that it is only fun for me to be me. No one else would have as much fun being me as I do because no one is me and I am no one else but me. That's it. And it's so much fun that way.

The End.

so..it's been awhile

I really should be working on my Exo/Deu essay right now but I was feeling inspired and posting on my blog had been a long time coming. Let's see, well I'm in my sophomore year of college. I transferred schools and changed my major. Let's start there I guess. I left for a couple reasons.

Culturally, the environment at my previous school was kinda rough.  I recently went back to visit a friend just for a short moment this weekend, (we were leaving to go take bitchin photos at cool abandoned places) and I got a horribly sick feeling in my stomach, a feeling I know all too well. At this particular school, I had two social options (well one wasn't really an option because I wouldn't be accepted into that option).

The first being the prime cut preppy overly conservative Christians who led numerous double standards and lived life through hypocrisy but judged you if you broke code.

The second were the accepting wild creatures of the night, the ones who drank 5-6 days out of the week (at this school you could because the classes were a breeze and didn't require a sober mind to pass) and were accepting of all kinds; ethnicity, sexuality, weight, and gender.

So as a passionate artist who loves Jesus immensely but is also a totally wild, free-spirit hippie, I was lost in translation. I of course went straight toward the 50% who would accept me no matter how wild and crazy and irrational I can be (the partiers: some raised in it and some raised so conservatively that they raged with a wild rebellion that would terrify the Pope). But in doing so I was giving up my commitment to God.

So, for that year, I walked in a mildly askew direction. Wandering around and looking in all the wrong places for meaning and acceptance and depth of consciousness and heart. I did the new student cliché thing and started kinda sorta dating someone within the first week of school...lame I know.

This inevitably screwed me over for pretty much the rest of the semester until I started liking one of my new yet really close guy friends...bad move Summer. Here's a note of advice: don't toy with the boys who actually like you who are your friends if you don't actually feel the same romantic feelings back because then you'll just get confused about how you feel about them which confuses them and in the end everyone is heartbroken. But, thank the LORD, we're still good friends, in a kinda twisted and awkward way.

So yea it was a rough year. To those who think you can hang out with the partiers and not actually be pressured to party, YOU ARE WRONG. After a while, the absurd and previously deranged actions and emotions become a sort of norm, a comfort even, a safe haven. When you are all crazy, no one's crazy and everyone's sain. It's kind of beautiful in many ways but damaging to the important things.

SO moving on, I transfered. Partly because the societal environment was hindering to my original goal in life and also because I tend to have a flight reaction rather than fight reaction. Physically, if someone wants to attack me, yea I'll beat the living shit out of them, but emotionally, relationally, people getting close, dangerously close before I have time to trust them, yea I'm on the next flight out especially if I smell trouble.

I wasn't always like that though. I used to be very good at staying and working things out. But that dwindled away back in like my sophomore year of high school. Then I learned to run. So, in a sense I ran, as I kinda crave to do. I like new places, new experiences, new identities, new people, I like newness and change, maybe to an over exaggerated sense. For example, I'm only in my first semester here at my new school and I am already going away next semester to do studies in the mountains.

I really like newness. But newness can be oldness. I like contradictions and irony and paradoxes. So I like new things that are old but new to me. I like going back to old things that I have left because I am always new. Looking back on my old and forgotten things, gives them all a newness.

Maybe that's why I like to leave, so I can go back and say I left and came back. So I will always be on the move, a free spirit just making memories and long lasting connections and then suddenly leaving, like a favorite character in a John Green book.

What I don't like is overdone rhythm. Yea rhythm and routine are good for a short while, but as time goes on, and maybe it's because of me getting older, but the time I can last in routine gets shorter and shorter. But I always go back. I give time away and make hearts grow fonder and then I return for that open armed expression of love and surprise when I finally show up again. Maybe that's it, my one true fear. Being forgotten in the rhythm of things. Becoming like wallpaper from time and time passed by. Disappearing into the norm of everyday life. How boring.

At this point, I am just rambling, but hey, it's not like anyone reads my blog anyways. I am really just utilizing my sudden spark of inspiration to procrastinate on my assignments. I just want to write though. I want to write what's in my mind and create what's in my thoughts and paint the things I see. Too bad I have to get a degree. But, I really shouldn't complain. I have an amazing opportunity and I can do so much more exploring and 'running' through school than I would be able to if I was just back home with a job trying to save up for traveling.

I'm doing good here. Keeping sain for the most part. I've got my emotions stabled to an extent and surprisingly without using western medications but with natural healthy practices. Like being vegan and exercising daily and only drinking coffee on occasion.

I'm just tired.

My own damn fault though. I didn't sleep all of friday or saturday night or day and then slept till 3:30 on sunday, went back to sleep at 10 only to be woken by my mildly obnoxious roommate at 1 am and didn't fall back asleep till 2am only to be woken again at 7 for my class. So yea I'm tired.

But, hey, that's college.

I feel like so much has happened and I've grown so much yet I'm still a child. A baby, still about to embark on a great adventure. It gets worse every day. I wake up a suddenly realize, "wow, I remember like yesterday when I would dream of being in college and how old I would feel." only to be quickly followed by, "damn, I'm only 19. I'm like still in diapers compared to everyone here." Maybe that's just because I'm in senior/junior housing but still, I definitely don't feel my age, or any age for that matter. I just feel like a constant existence slowly growing and changing but also staying the same. (yea I like contradictory statements)

Anyways, that's my update for now. I'll probably write tomorrow because I tend to write in clusters of a ton at a time or absolutely nothing at all. I say that as if anyone reads this blog of mine. But, I'm kinda glad no one does. Then, I don't have an image I have to keep up, I can just be me and that's it.

It's 9:12pm and I really should work on my homework if I want to get a few hours of shut eye before my roommate brings the circus into our room. Farewell for now my imaginary friends.

I just want to be happy

I don’t understand

why does it hurt so much just to be alive?

I push everyone away even though it kills me to be alone

I need something but I don’t know what it is

I try and I try and I try to be strong and brave and start each day brand new 

but it all hurts so much

just mere existence is a sluggish and painful walk

like trying to run in water

I keep kicking and kicking without going anywhere

Everywhere I go I keep feeling the desire to just get out

No matter how beautiful a day is

all I want to do is leave

go home

wherever that is

because even when I go home I want to just get out

like I want to be somewhere and nowhere at the same time

gone and going away far far away

running from myself

myself and the sorrow I carry

what makes me this way? why am I plagued with so much pain?

Numbing pain

I am trying to be strong, but I am so very weak

I can’t do this on my own and yet I feel like no one can help me

does anyone truly understand the feelings of wanting to escape from your own self

wanting to just be someone else

just for a day

taste what it feels like to be free and rid of yourself

I just want to be someone else because I don’t like myself

How did it come to this? I used to be so strong

What happened? What was the trigger?

I just want to be back to who I used to be

Full of joy and free to be, free of me

When did the darkness begin to take over?

I wish I could go back and warn myself,

stop myself from becoming me

Maybe change the course and give myself a good and solid chance of becoming someone else, someone great

but I guess life doesn’t work like that

there’s no magic, there’s no three wishes or fairy dust to help us fly

there’s no time machines to make better of our lives

there’s just this flat world, like a dirty white canvas, waiting to be cleaned and used 

waiting to become colorful and bright 

waiting waiting

always waiting

always wishing

always wanting something else

never content

Always wanting to live and be bright yet 

All I am is dying and covered in a shadow

I wish I could put blame on someone else

Make a villain 

A face to the darkness, a face I can hate but all I see is my own reflection

I want to live 

I want to be joyful

I want to just be happy

truly happy

If I want it so badly then why am I not happy?

Shouldn’t the simple desire be enough?

Why isn’t it enough?

like a leach attached to my spine

an emotion I have not yet a name for

unnamable unchangeable unbreakable

like sorrow but deeper

like anger but softer

like death but lonelier 

what than, curses me with such hatred

such despise 

such pain in my soul, numbing pain

for my own existence

my own essence

my own image perceived by the world

what used to fuel my anger and passion to move on

now eats me alive

like a flame sparks form on wood but soon devour it

I too began as a spark from this part that sets me apart

now I can’t help the whispers

whispers of lies

you are wrong

you are incorrect

you are out of place

out of shape

not you're out of you and apart from you're yet trapped in you

chained inside thick fatty tissue suffocating me

i want to scream, it all pains me so, the pain of existence

not that i want to die, Because I don’t

I want to live, that’s the whole point

I want to live so badly but this pain is killing me

I want to cry and tell of all my misery and pain

but I fear of hurting those who love me and those who matter so much

I fear my own pain will hurt them all, because I know it has already

so I keep quiet, silent as I implode 

a star dying, creating a black hole in its whole

breaking breaking down to nothing but dust

no one can help me now, it’s all up to me to help myself

I wish this would inspire me, but it only dreads me

where did it all go?

the passion the love the excitement 

the hope

all now replaced with pain and agony inside stillness and silence

how can one hate their own reflection?

such a thought used to be so distant now familiar

so what’s the hope in it all? Not a matter of meaning but a matter of purpose

where does mine lie? Lies. 

Isolation. So very isolated in this forest emptied of all its color

no. not a forest. not with trees. an expanse of tall shadows stretching to the highest place unseen. 

will it all stop? I try and I try so hard.

I’m always trying. 

Can’t you tell I’m trying? 

Can’t you tell I’m crying for help because I’m trying, because I’m dying?

A silent cry for help.

Is it chemical or is it me.

Is it me or is it here. Is it this or is it just me. 

Am I the one walking around with eyes closed off to sunlight or is it I who now sees

sees the truth of life, the darkness 

I just don’t know anymore

I can’t tell what’s real and what’s not

All i can tell is it hurts and all I want to do is cry

All I want is to live

All I want is joy

All I want is light

Yet I am surrounded by darkness

Always

Enough

Sometimes when I look in the mirror, not every day just some days, I don’t feel pretty. 

I am a strong activist in making sure everyone feels beautiful and comfortable in their own skin. However, I seem to have the most self-image issues. It’s hard not to nit-pick at every little detail of your own human body. 

My nails aren’t long enough, my fingers too chubby, my thighs too thundery, my toes are just plain weird, my stomach will never be small or flat enough, my boobs are too small, my butt isn’t tight enough, my lips are too thin, my eyebrows not dark enough, my roots too dark, I’m so freaking short, my legs are disproportional to my torso, my arms too flabby, I’m not strong enough, I’m not fast enough, enough enough ENOUGH! 

I don’t think I would feel this way if I had nothing to compare myself to. 

Some standard, some criteria I feel I need to fit. Sometimes I wonder, if I lived alone on a remote tropical island, just me, myself, the sea, and the sun, would I feel this way? Would I think these things about myself?

When I imagine this place, I feel fine. I feel my insecurities rolling off my shoulder. Because out there, no one would compete, no one would compare, I could just be me. 

I could run freely on the beach with no concern for how people might see me, I would lounge on the sand and swim in the sea and eat fish and fruit all day. I would sleep on the sand heated from the day, under the inexhaustible amount of stars above me, because there would be no light pollution. 

There wouldn’t be any pollution of any kind. No mind pollution, no magazines, no TV, no celebrities. 

I could just live, free. 

I would need only a knife and an endless supply of sketch books and pens and pencils. But I kind of need music to live too. So maybe my ukulele too. 

It would be beautiful. I could just sit and draw and write, take baths in the waterfalls, eat good fruit, exercise as I please, and swim swim swim in the sea. 

This is my dream. Kind of lonely but I like to be alone. But not in public places. I like to be alone in nature. It’s my favorite thing. 

Maybe, hopefully, someday, God will bring someone into my life who will understand and be able to sit silently with me. Someone who’s presence gives me the same peace of being alone without the stress of other people. Someone who will understand the things I think are important and know how to keep things in place. 

I get angry when things are out of place. Not in the way where I’m OCD about how a table should be set or how my room is put or anything, but in a broader sense, with people. Some people are just so out of place. 

I can so clearly see the shit in this world. And it sucks. If I had it my way, I would gather everyone and fill them with truth, beauty, and love. 

If I could have any super power it would be the ability to place warmth and kindness into someone’s heart. I could just reach over and gently slip my hand into someone’s chest cavity, right between the ribs, and light a match in their heart, thaw out the ice, seal the torn pieces, patch up the holes and soften the edges. 

Then maybe everyone would feel like they were enough. Because in truth, we are. You are enough. You can’t wait on the day when someone else decides to love you. You have to first love yourself. 

Your nails are the best length and look great with that polish. 

Your hands are crafted that way so you can create, just look at all you’re capable of with your square strong hands, your thighs and your legs are beautiful and can run and jump and kick ass. Your toes are absolutely PERFECT, there are the exact copy of your sweet mother’s which makes them even better. 

Your stomach is strong and sweet and wonderful, no matter the size. 

Your boobs are even and round and wonderfully proportionate to your body (and so easy to dress) and let’s be real, boobs have one job, make milk, so yours are great simply because they boobs. 

Your ass, girl, your ass is phenomenal, you know how to shake that ass like nobody’s business. Your lips know how to smile and frown and be stern and laugh and speak truth, thats awesome!

Your eyebrows are what make your face, they are so amazing at portraying your emotion and expressing your feelings when you simply just can’t. 

Your hair lightens and darkens with the seasons, you actually embody the change of season in the colors of you! How amazing is that!? 

You are an amazing and adorable height, perfect for climbing on things and traveling around and reaching high places, you fit everywhere! Compact and minimalistic, how perfect!? 

Your legs and torso are perfect in proportion, you always knew that, don’t let that one person’s comment on your body change your idea of yourself, because you know the truth. 

Your arms are soft and and cuddly and strong and can do SO much. 

You are strong. Not in just the physical way. But emotionally. Girl, you can handle some real shit. You know what is important in life and you know what is worth putting your strength into, and that is wisdom, and wisdom is strength. And you are so fast, you’re always one step ahead of the game. You’re so fast, you need to slow down. Take a breather, take a moment to take it all in and just pause.......because you are more than enough. You are loved. 

The Beautiful Nightmare

I had a beautiful nightmare last night, there was a parade and I was in a long white gown with slits in the waist and one shoulder dropped, it constricted my knees and made it hard to run. I had to run, because I was being chased. I was being chased by all my past failed romances, the ones that persisted after denial. One by one they gave up on the chase until the ones whose persistence lasted longer and longest continued to chase me. I could name them all, except one. I ran and ran through the parade and through shoppes with wild season sales, people frantically moving everywhere. I ran and ran, up elevators. Until I had outrun all but one, the one I couldn't name because I couldn’t recognize. I hid in a bathroom with a ten foot pole with a fishing hook as my only defense. The chase had run for hours. Only the tip of the hook was visible from the hall and if I just hand’t moved it, I could have stayed hidden, but i pulled my overbearing defense in toward myself and in doing so I alarmed the unnamed man-boy chasing me. he ran into the bathroom and saw me standing there in the shower, my long gown destroyed from the chase and my knuckles white from clutching the 10 foot fishing hook. I stretched it out toward him, with the sharp tip pressed against his chest, he pressed forward pushing me back, pinning my defense 10 feet between us. He spoke something that doesn't make any sense now that i'm awake. “you're just going to disappoint them, your sister. everyone. if you run, i'll catch you, if you hide i'll find you. you can never escape from me.”  I was afraid to hurt him, he carried a false innocence with him. He looked so handsome and sweet and seemed very strong and attractive, but in a terrifying offensive way. I couldn't keep around him because I knew It would just end in pain, so I escaped and ran to an elevator, the doors closing just in time before he could catch up to me. I arrived at the bottom floor of a tall building and ran out the lobby and into the woods. running and running and hiding. I was out of breath when I finally awoke, panting like it had all been real. My bones ached as I rose from my bed. Still half asleep and awestruck that my dream had lasted so long, I contemplated in my dazed mind what it all could have meant. My only conclusion, it was a beautiful nightmare. 

Dear Jasmine (for when you start college)

Let me tell you a little something about the first year of college.

You will make mistakes. Everyone does.

I am just about to finish my first year of college and next year I’m moving in with May at APU, hopefully I will be able to make a better life for myself there. I’m trying. We all are. You have only four more years until you will be in my same position, hopefully with less mistakes up your sleeve. So here are a few little tips I wish I had known before I started college:

1. First off, it is easy to get away with anything. The ability to get alcohol or drugs or break the rules or whatever is way too easy. There's always someone who knows someone who is 21. It is always accessible. You don't even have to look for it. Your friends will do it. It will seem normal. You will want to experience the fullness of college and all it’s crazy extravaganzas. 95% of the time you're breaking some sort of law. (And no one ever wears seat belts) I didn't expect that even at a conservative baptist school there would be so much partying. But college is still college no matter where you go. It’s crazy how easily you can get away with things. This isn’t an excuse to make bad decisions. Be prepared that no matter how sheltered a school is, it is still college and everyone is still trying to figure out what to do with their new unadulterated freedom. Temptation is out there. Strength is in your knowledge. Know what’s out there and you can't be taken off guard.
2. Secondly, bad decisions don’t make you a bad person. You will mess up. You will party a little. You will kiss a few frogs. It happens. Don’t use this as an excuse to make poor decisions but also be aware you will slip sometimes and that doesn’t make you a terrible person. You are human. And you will make mistakes, willingly and unwillingly, drunk and sober, morning and night. Temptation is everywhere.  
3. Thirdly, be single. For crying out loud be single. This is a time to find yourself and who you want to be. It is impossible to try and date someone when you don’t even know who you are yet. Boys don’t really turn into men, although they may look like men, they don’t become men until later on in life. College freshman boys don't suddenly become all grown up the summer after graduation. Big sister tip: wait and go for the older guys. 
4. Fourthly, you will struggle with God. Your faith will tug and pull and there will be highs and lows and you will grow and wilt. You will get lost then found then lost again. You will question everything you have ever come to know or believe in. The devil leaves no stone unturned when tempting you. But in the same way, God leaves no stone unturned when healing you. Stay strong. Your faith is everything. You can fail every test and course you ever take but you can never fail with God. Because in the end. That’s all you’ll have. It will be hard to keep your faith and look towards God and you will fall away. Everyone does. Just remember to go back to Him. You will hurt and you will cry, a lot during this process.
5. Speaking of crying, you think you cried a lot before? You have no idea how many tears you will shed in just your freshman year of college. I don't typically cry, but I had cried more times in just this first year of college then in all my life together. You will stress cry, you will cry tears of sorrow and tears of fear and tears of shame, you will cry tears of laughter and tears of joy. You will also just sometimes cry just because sometimes you need a good cry. Life is overwhelming, crying is the human body’s way of trying to purge out the toxins of the world from your sweet soul. Allow yourself to sit in down in the shower every once in a while and just cry, because life is tough. Especially when you're 18 and trying to figure out when to act like a child and when to act like an adult.
6. Be outgoing and make friends with everyone! Meet new people every day. Everyone is on their own when they start college and everyone wants to go hang out with the cute big eyed, long legged, blondie with the cute giggle and the dorky faces and voices. You are beautiful and your laughter is infectious, so go and infect the world. The more people you meet, the broader range you have to chose from. You want to spread your arms wide then be able to collect a few good friends you do everything with. You’re going to want to have your girls around. But it is still nice to know that you have other friends you can go to if your close friends bug you, because they will. Everyone will bug you.
7. Living so close to other people will bug you. They will touch your things, they will take your clothes and they won’t wash them or put them back and you may never see your favorite shirt ever again. They will sleep in your bed and make you sleep on the couch. They will overstep their boundaries because just like you, this way of living will be new to them. And not everyone is a true friend. Remember, who ever you surround yourself with, you will become like them in 5 years. So when you meet someone and you’re considering hanging out with them, think, do I want to be like them in five years? Just because you like hanging around someone doesn't mean you want to become like them. Keep four quarters not a hundred pennies. Surround yourself with people you encourage and inspire you. Be kind to everyone but keep close those who are going to be good and true friends. This is so every important.
8. Also important, I am not going to judge you on your mistakes you make. So call me. Whether you're drunk and at a party or someones house or you're stranded somewhere because some “friends” abandoned you, or whether you just feel like shit and you want to vent and cry and need to tell someone what’s going on, no matter what, call me. I want you to know that you can tell me literally anything. That's what sisters are for. They are there to tell everything to. They are there to be the person who will never judge you or make you feel worse for making mistakes. Big sisters are there to guide you. They are there to beat up whoever tries to lay a finger on you. They are there to back you up when you stand up for yourself. They are there to cuddle and cry into when the whole world is after you. If you are just stressed or tired or need a hug, call me. If you made a mistake and you feel guilty about it and don't feel like you can talk to anyone about it, call me. When in doubt, call me. That’s what big sisters are for. So call me. Happy or sad, call me!

This time in your life is about change. You will find yourself growing up faster than you can take a breath. But just like the song from Spirit, remember who you are. 

Jasmine, you are so unique. You balance on a fine line between this world and the next. You see things no one has ever seen and you experience life in an entirely different way. You understand the world for what it is and you see it for what it could be. You are kind and sweet and know what it feels like to be scared. 

Something I have come to learn in this past year is that God doesn’t allow us to get hurt or to feel scared because we make mistakes but rather for an entirely different reason. We make mistakes and we get hurt, we feel the terrible and we experience the worst, but not so that we can just simply know and experience the world so we can be a better person. 

But rather it is those experiences, those times of trial where we push ourselves to become strong not for ourselves but for others. 

You are sensitive so you know how to treat sensitive people. 

You cry so you know how to comfort others when they cry. 

You get scared because this would is fucking scary. IT’S TERRIFYING! 

There’s danger around every corner and tragedy is always ready to strike. 

You get scared and you see the dangers of the world so you can protect people.

But most of all, you are so strong so you can make others strong.

Like I mentioned before, knowledge is power, knowledge is strength. You know the true fears of the world, the true darkness that lies beneath the mask of the world and you know how to deal with it. Your deep and rooted moral compass is something I wish I had. Your gut feelings are truer than what the world, including your friends, will tell you. Trust it. And when in doubt, call me. 

Good luck Weenie,

Your loving big (yet shorter) older sister, Summer