like a leach attached to my spine

an emotion I have not yet a name for

unnamable unchangeable unbreakable

like sorrow but deeper

like anger but softer

like death but lonelier 

what than, curses me with such hatred

such despise 

such pain in my soul, numbing pain

for my own existence

my own essence

my own image perceived by the world

what used to fuel my anger and passion to move on

now eats me alive

like a flame sparks form on wood but soon devour it

I too began as a spark from this part that sets me apart

now I can’t help the whispers

whispers of lies

you are wrong

you are incorrect

you are out of place

out of shape

not you're out of you and apart from you're yet trapped in you

chained inside thick fatty tissue suffocating me

i want to scream, it all pains me so, the pain of existence

not that i want to die, Because I don’t

I want to live, that’s the whole point

I want to live so badly but this pain is killing me

I want to cry and tell of all my misery and pain

but I fear of hurting those who love me and those who matter so much

I fear my own pain will hurt them all, because I know it has already

so I keep quiet, silent as I implode 

a star dying, creating a black hole in its whole

breaking breaking down to nothing but dust

no one can help me now, it’s all up to me to help myself

I wish this would inspire me, but it only dreads me

where did it all go?

the passion the love the excitement 

the hope

all now replaced with pain and agony inside stillness and silence

how can one hate their own reflection?

such a thought used to be so distant now familiar

so what’s the hope in it all? Not a matter of meaning but a matter of purpose

where does mine lie? Lies. 

Isolation. So very isolated in this forest emptied of all its color

no. not a forest. not with trees. an expanse of tall shadows stretching to the highest place unseen. 

will it all stop? I try and I try so hard.

I’m always trying. 

Can’t you tell I’m trying? 

Can’t you tell I’m crying for help because I’m trying, because I’m dying?

A silent cry for help.

Is it chemical or is it me.

Is it me or is it here. Is it this or is it just me. 

Am I the one walking around with eyes closed off to sunlight or is it I who now sees

sees the truth of life, the darkness 

I just don’t know anymore

I can’t tell what’s real and what’s not

All i can tell is it hurts and all I want to do is cry

All I want is to live

All I want is joy

All I want is light

Yet I am surrounded by darkness

Always