so..it's been awhile

I really should be working on my Exo/Deu essay right now but I was feeling inspired and posting on my blog had been a long time coming. Let's see, well I'm in my sophomore year of college. I transferred schools and changed my major. Let's start there I guess. I left for a couple reasons.

Culturally, the environment at my previous school was kinda rough.  I recently went back to visit a friend just for a short moment this weekend, (we were leaving to go take bitchin photos at cool abandoned places) and I got a horribly sick feeling in my stomach, a feeling I know all too well. At this particular school, I had two social options (well one wasn't really an option because I wouldn't be accepted into that option).

The first being the prime cut preppy overly conservative Christians who led numerous double standards and lived life through hypocrisy but judged you if you broke code.

The second were the accepting wild creatures of the night, the ones who drank 5-6 days out of the week (at this school you could because the classes were a breeze and didn't require a sober mind to pass) and were accepting of all kinds; ethnicity, sexuality, weight, and gender.

So as a passionate artist who loves Jesus immensely but is also a totally wild, free-spirit hippie, I was lost in translation. I of course went straight toward the 50% who would accept me no matter how wild and crazy and irrational I can be (the partiers: some raised in it and some raised so conservatively that they raged with a wild rebellion that would terrify the Pope). But in doing so I was giving up my commitment to God.

So, for that year, I walked in a mildly askew direction. Wandering around and looking in all the wrong places for meaning and acceptance and depth of consciousness and heart. I did the new student cliché thing and started kinda sorta dating someone within the first week of school...lame I know.

This inevitably screwed me over for pretty much the rest of the semester until I started liking one of my new yet really close guy friends...bad move Summer. Here's a note of advice: don't toy with the boys who actually like you who are your friends if you don't actually feel the same romantic feelings back because then you'll just get confused about how you feel about them which confuses them and in the end everyone is heartbroken. But, thank the LORD, we're still good friends, in a kinda twisted and awkward way.

So yea it was a rough year. To those who think you can hang out with the partiers and not actually be pressured to party, YOU ARE WRONG. After a while, the absurd and previously deranged actions and emotions become a sort of norm, a comfort even, a safe haven. When you are all crazy, no one's crazy and everyone's sain. It's kind of beautiful in many ways but damaging to the important things.

SO moving on, I transfered. Partly because the societal environment was hindering to my original goal in life and also because I tend to have a flight reaction rather than fight reaction. Physically, if someone wants to attack me, yea I'll beat the living shit out of them, but emotionally, relationally, people getting close, dangerously close before I have time to trust them, yea I'm on the next flight out especially if I smell trouble.

I wasn't always like that though. I used to be very good at staying and working things out. But that dwindled away back in like my sophomore year of high school. Then I learned to run. So, in a sense I ran, as I kinda crave to do. I like new places, new experiences, new identities, new people, I like newness and change, maybe to an over exaggerated sense. For example, I'm only in my first semester here at my new school and I am already going away next semester to do studies in the mountains.

I really like newness. But newness can be oldness. I like contradictions and irony and paradoxes. So I like new things that are old but new to me. I like going back to old things that I have left because I am always new. Looking back on my old and forgotten things, gives them all a newness.

Maybe that's why I like to leave, so I can go back and say I left and came back. So I will always be on the move, a free spirit just making memories and long lasting connections and then suddenly leaving, like a favorite character in a John Green book.

What I don't like is overdone rhythm. Yea rhythm and routine are good for a short while, but as time goes on, and maybe it's because of me getting older, but the time I can last in routine gets shorter and shorter. But I always go back. I give time away and make hearts grow fonder and then I return for that open armed expression of love and surprise when I finally show up again. Maybe that's it, my one true fear. Being forgotten in the rhythm of things. Becoming like wallpaper from time and time passed by. Disappearing into the norm of everyday life. How boring.

At this point, I am just rambling, but hey, it's not like anyone reads my blog anyways. I am really just utilizing my sudden spark of inspiration to procrastinate on my assignments. I just want to write though. I want to write what's in my mind and create what's in my thoughts and paint the things I see. Too bad I have to get a degree. But, I really shouldn't complain. I have an amazing opportunity and I can do so much more exploring and 'running' through school than I would be able to if I was just back home with a job trying to save up for traveling.

I'm doing good here. Keeping sain for the most part. I've got my emotions stabled to an extent and surprisingly without using western medications but with natural healthy practices. Like being vegan and exercising daily and only drinking coffee on occasion.

I'm just tired.

My own damn fault though. I didn't sleep all of friday or saturday night or day and then slept till 3:30 on sunday, went back to sleep at 10 only to be woken by my mildly obnoxious roommate at 1 am and didn't fall back asleep till 2am only to be woken again at 7 for my class. So yea I'm tired.

But, hey, that's college.

I feel like so much has happened and I've grown so much yet I'm still a child. A baby, still about to embark on a great adventure. It gets worse every day. I wake up a suddenly realize, "wow, I remember like yesterday when I would dream of being in college and how old I would feel." only to be quickly followed by, "damn, I'm only 19. I'm like still in diapers compared to everyone here." Maybe that's just because I'm in senior/junior housing but still, I definitely don't feel my age, or any age for that matter. I just feel like a constant existence slowly growing and changing but also staying the same. (yea I like contradictory statements)

Anyways, that's my update for now. I'll probably write tomorrow because I tend to write in clusters of a ton at a time or absolutely nothing at all. I say that as if anyone reads this blog of mine. But, I'm kinda glad no one does. Then, I don't have an image I have to keep up, I can just be me and that's it.

It's 9:12pm and I really should work on my homework if I want to get a few hours of shut eye before my roommate brings the circus into our room. Farewell for now my imaginary friends.