So for a while now I've been going through some typical college freshman problems. Friends, boys, classes, partying, medical things, finding myself, deciding on my future.
I would consider myself on the extreme side when it comes to spirituality in nature.
If I can’t hear the birds chirping, the waves crashing, the wind blowing or something out in the sky, I feel numb.
Lately I had been feeling so numb. Emotionally, physically, mentally, numb. All I wanted to do was sleep, all day every day. Some could classify this as a sign of depression. I would specify it more as a spiritual depression but I classify this as a lack of communication. Lack of communication with myself, with the world around me, but most importantly, a lack of communication with Him. That big guy upstairs hadn't been coming down stairs lately. I would find myself constantly questioning every single last thing I’ve ever believed in or been taught about God. His very existence was even in question, let alone his teachings I vowed to follow.
My friends’ lives seem to consist of partying, stressing about classes, crappy fast food, drinking, hooking up with people, more drinking, and more stress.
I used to think I could be completely alone in my faith and still be strong. Turns out it’s pretty impossible to stay true to yourself when all you hear about 24/7 is shitty radio music, parties, drama, and binge drinking. It’s like no one can just hang out, there’s always got to be booze. What happened to waking up before the rest of the world and cooking fantabulous breakfasts and reading and being creative and spending the days talking to God about whatever pops into my mind. What happened to having people around me who have morals and standards?
College happened. And I was not prepared.
I guess there was no way I could have ever been prepared. Sometimes it takes the scraping fall to know how to stand. I know i'm being harsh. I'm kind of harsh. Life is harsh.
When you're numb, you like to test it. Test just how numb you really are. You'll do stupid things just to feel something. It’s different for everyone. Some people try sexual things, some people try drugs, some people try alcohol, I tried falling. Now I'm not saying I ever purposefully fell and harmed myself. Not at all. I'm simply saying that if I was climbing a boulder or jumping over a fence, I wasn't going to cut it short in fear of falling and getting hurt. I just didn't have a fear of falling. Never have. Never will. Falling doesn't really scare me, physically that is. Emotionally or mentally falling, now that is on the top of my short list of fears.
Bruises and scrapes and cuts are battle wounds to me. Life is a battle, we are constantly at war: war with ourselves, war with each other, war with God. The world and everyone in it, is always at war.
But when I stop feeling the need to fight, that is when something is seriously wrong. When I begin to wake up in the morning with zero motivation to open my eyes, it’s not because I hate the mornings, in fact I'm a “sun shining out of my ass” type of morning person, but when I personally wake up and feel no need to begin the day, I know I'm not doing well. I can fall and get right back up before I can even think about shedding a tear. Physically I can withstand pain. But emotionally, the absolute worst, most agonizing pain I can and will ever feel is the feeling of being numb. Numb in my mind, numb in my creativity, numb in my heart.
So I guess you could say I was depressed.
This does not mean I was wanting to go kill myself or anything. I simply was depressed.
My body felt heavy, not fat, but heavy. My shoulders hanging low and my eyes barely open. Like a walking talking fake smiling zombie. None of my friends could have known or maybe will ever know that I was going through that. They don’t know me well enough and haven't known me long enough to understand when somethings up (or down) with me.
Thursdays are like our fridays when it comes to late night plans, and one thursday night we decided to have a bonfire. The typical routine occurred, figuring out what we wanted to do, everyone getting stressed and loud, trying to find someone to buy us booze, everyone being stressed about it, finding out how to pay for it, everyone still loud and stressing, and finally heading down to the fire pit area. An area with open desert hills and plains, hidden from the city and the main street, a common place for college kids to go hang out late at night. Me and the guys went around in the trucks picking up some wood then getting to the spot. We went off roading, me and the boys, kicking up dirt and going places we maybe shouldn't go, waiting for the rest of the gang to show up with the alcohol. It was a typical night, feeling numb as ever.
The less stressful half of the girls finally show up, drama and all about our two most stressful friends, and begin to party. I was in the mood to run so I did. I ran up the hill toward the entrance, and then the next, and the next, I just kept running. One of my friends decided to follow me (they still haven't caught on to my need to be alone sometimes, they still worry every time I leave their sight and always come and spoil my personal moments). I lay down to take a breather and she comes and sits next to me. My other friend (the one who wants us to be more than friends) starts to drive on over to find us and I being pissed off from them hovering, run off. I just kept running, through the tall grassy hills with the stars above me and the half moon glowing, I ran. I climbed and scaled down sharp walls of dirt and spiky grass. I didn't care about falling or the bruises or scrapes I was getting.
The gutter was filled with water so I laid on the hill near it hiding from my friends and watched cars drive by. After hearing my friend’s truck drive by my hiding spot a few times I thought I'd go back and let them know I wasn’t dead in a ditch somewhere and that I just wanted to be alone for a bit.
So I return to the pit. My other friends show up with the booze and begin to drink, offering me multiple times. I wasn't in the mood, even for just one beer.
Annoyed, I leave again. Running the other direction this time. Away from the street and into the desert hills. And of course the same two friends follow me. Maybe I should start telling them it’s not unusual for me to just run off sometimes. Maybe they'd stop following me.
So I keep running and they keep following.
Eventually, I get to the top of one of the hills where my girlfriend has already reached because she ran ahead and show off a little. My asthma likes to kick in right when I'm finally feeling good so it takes me a little longer to reach the top and the friend who likes me stays with me as I heave my way to the top. My lungs ablaze and all. But I don’t stop, I keep walking. I reach the top and keep moving onto the next hill. The friend who stayed with me tries to follow but I finally tell him to just stay and let me be alone for a bit. I also secretly wanted him to hang out with my other friend, hoping he would stop having feelings for me and begin connecting with her.
So I keep running, my lungs on fire and filled with dirt and secondhand smoke. I run until I can’t see my friends any more and I land on the top of a hill in the center of all the hills, not the tallest one but still a great view of the dreadful city and beautiful stars.
I begin to talk aloud with God, or more like talk at God.
“What’s going on. Why can't I feel anything, huh? Sorry I haven't talked to you at all lately. I'm just not in a good place.”
My monologue continues, hitting all the different failing aspects of my life “Look, I don't want to be your little princess. I'm not some dainty little fragile thing that needs to be kept safe. Come on put me on the front lines. I need to be active. Why can't I be the strong one? Oh and where’s my husband? Will I even get to have one? Where have you been? Why can't I just live in the hills forever, huh? Hello!?! Are you even there? Have you ever been there? Or am I just a psycho talking to myself in the dark. Hello!? Answer me! Where the hell are you? Fuck, WHERE ARE YOU!? HELLO!!!??!” Screaming at the sky, trying to get my quiet voice out into the stars I feel defeated.
Then I wait, silent, waiting for something, anything, hoping a big booming voice will come raining down from the heavens and speak profoundly into me and tell me what to do. I hear some bird whistle and fly by. My mom has always been a bird, and me her baby. The wind begins to pick up, we've had a lot of wind lately in the area by my school. It starts to get a little stronger, gradual at first, then begins to pick up pace, getting stronger and stronger. I start to become frightened as the gust becomes so strong, it knocks me to my knees.
I know.
I begin to weep, every time the wind seems to be at its strongest it grows stronger. With my hands and nails digging into the sandy dirt, my forehead on the ground by my hands covered in sweat, tears, and snot, I wale. Like a child I cry out, terrified. Never so scared in my entire life (and I don't scare easily). He surrounds me. I keep thinking it’s going to stop but it doesn’t. It continues, like a desert storm pinning my into the dry soft soil with no end in sight. Finally I scream “OKAY! I get it I see you!”
Frozen, in awe of what is happening. My mind becomes empty and I feel a sort of terrified peace.
The numbness disappears.
I feel everything.
I quickly pray, I know I see you now but I may fall again. Please always remind me.
The wind slowly calms but never stops and slowly I rise off my knees, once fire hot and sweating, not shivering and trying to bundle up. I stand, shaking, partly cold and partly still scared. Frozen and silent I begin to speak to Him in my mind, how do I go back to my friends without making a scene. I'm no longer numb. How to I explain that to them? Should I even say anything? Lord, stay with me. Be with me. I’m scared and I need you. Mold me, craft me, tell me what to do, lead me, Lord. I slowly walk the path I had earlier ran to quickly on. I feel the presence of two large beings on either side of me. I feel safe in this now mildly scary place. He guys. Long time, no feel. Good to feel you again.
My guardian angels.
Wow I ran really far. Did I really not realize I was running this far away. My goodness, what is this like ten miles?
I finally find where I had left my two friends, surprised they were still there and hadn't walked back to the bonfire. My guy friend stands and hugs me, seeing that something has just happened, he holds me tight. I’m in such shock I can't even lift my arms to hug him back. My girlfriend just stands with her back to us looking off into the city lights. She doesn't hug me.
He asks if I'm good now and I say no.
Because I wasn't good, but I wasn't numb anymore and there was no way of explaining that to him.
I look over to my girlfriend and we begin walking, wanting to share with her my experience I am barely able to get the words out
“I heard Him.”
“Who?”
I simply motion to the sky.
“God? That’s cool.”
Not really the reaction I was expecting. I half hoped she would jump up and down and be filled with the Holy Spirit and want to hear all the details of my experience with God. But not everyone is who you hope them to be. I say to my guy-friend, “I just needed a moment.” “I understand.”
But do you really? Will you ever?
My girlfriend starts telling me a brief summary of what they were talking about while I was gone and rambles about some jokes and what not. As we walk down the hill we find some more wood panels to burn for the bonfire and carry them down.
Wow I ran really far. This brush is a lot taller when you're just walking not leaping through it. Are we still not back yet.
We finally get back to the party, just in time to add to the dying fire. My other friends have already gone through most of the beer and half of the fireball and all of whatever else they brought. As I stand by the fire, my friend who likes me more than just a friend comes over and stands by me, asking again if I was alright.
He’s kind and caring but we will never be together. No matter how kind he is, we don't see eye-to-eye about God and a few other things.
So I briefly tell him what I can about what happened on the hill. He seems to sort of understand. I guess there’s no way to fully understand what I had gone through. There really is no way anyone will be fully capable of understanding that feeling until they feel it themselves.
The utter fear and inability to move from the slightest, most gentle and barely a whisper from God.
I don't feel numb anymore.
In fact, I feel a little different than I did before. Like a patch of skin where you've scraped your knee and the scab had already come and gone. It’s a little discolored and gives a different texture. There’s now a story behind that specific piece of skin. My heart seems to feel like that piece of skin.
But what now?
God knows what I do now.
Step by step, day by day.
I don't expect to feel this way forever. I will always go through stages of life where I feel numb and will need to be reminded of who God is and just how big He really is. Sometimes it takes the scraping fall to know how to stand.
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