The Constant Search for Balance

The search for balance in all aspects of my life are to my extremes in which I may or may not control but frankly don’t desire to. Because I fluctuate so drastically yet subtly in the same, I am in search of middle ground, that may never be found. When teetering on one end, I swing to lower the opposite, in hopes of finding the strength to lift both ends equal. But in every swing to one side and the next, I lift the one I have left and it rises too high and I hit the ground below. In a sharp turn of motion, I flee to the high side to pull the low up higher, but always do I seem to bring too much weight to either side, so that I am in constant flee from one side to the other. It. Is. Exhausting. 

Rarely do I search for, let alone find, a person to fill me through the release of my burdens and the gain of their light, because I know what it is to be burdened by someone else’s troubles, and I never want to do such things to friends I hold dear, even though I feel capable, o even needed, maybe even sometimes joyful from carrying such burdens of others. Maybe I do this to distract myself from the weight of carrying my own. So I wrote an apology poem to my heart and soul for now releasing the weight i put on it. 

Oh the weight of my burdened and burdening soul. 

My deepest apologies for I have forsaken you so. 

I leave you to carry all the left baggage,

as I trot along, searching for more.

Oh how I have treated you so, 

like a young ass, in too much tow.

My dearest apologies and my most sorrowful mourns

as I search ever so slowly

for ways to release you. 

And in doing so I am confronted

by the wounds I have caused incidentally

through leaving you to carry

baggage even long forgotten.

I know, but I do not know all

I may know darkness like a long known and familiar friend, I may be comfortable with the existence of such old friend, but that doesn’t mean I know every single thing there is to know of the darkness, yet I know the depth in which it can reach simply through experiencing darkness itself. One can know the depth of the ocean without knowing all that lives there, i too know the depth of darkness without knowing all that dwells in it. 

Story of my life

"Happy, if she be thence sensible of her temerity, when she pries into these sublime mysteries; and leaving a scene so full of obscurities and perplexities, return, with suitable modesty, to her true and proper province, the examination of common life; where she will find difficulties enough to employ her enquiries, without launching into so boundless an ocean of doubt, uncertainty, and contradiction!" -Hume, An Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding Section VIII Of Liberty and Necessity

My Greatest Burden is Proven to Be My Greatest Gift

By that which I am,
to which I am seen,
I cannot remove
that which is seen of me.

But by which I am seen
by that of my own eyes,
I can rearrange my own sight,
of those that assume to define me.

Seen as rather by a gift,
than by a preconceived burden,
I enlighten my clearest of senses
to the reach of identity within.

Through recent inciting capability
proven in a flash of red and yellow light
the burn of the bird and all it's might
marked the beginning of my unrestful night.

At the least this thought did consume,
my assumption was proved to be true,
however not by immediate action
but shortly after my first reaction.

Through the effect of a tested heart
I shut out in order to search within.
Speaking not of recent revelation
but enjoying the presence of releasement within.

From highest of peaks to lowest of valleys,
I study my own routes and routines,
of whys and hows I conclude still
I have yet found next of what to do.

Then from such a common question
answers slowly do I proceed
that from prior need to run I should rather
decide in which I stay and lean.

I lean into the deepest understanding
opening doors to pain and darkness hidden within.
My realizations begin to work fluidly like streams
in order to mend broken seams.

So many times before, I questioned
now I in gratitude must conclude,
no matter my own recent realization
of miraculous a gift been given to me.

But still remains by that which I am,
to which I am still seen,
I still cannot remove
that which is still seen of me.

by no more than I am, to which i am seen, i cannot remove such sight of me. –thought from this morning while reading Aesthetics/ thinking about people and stuff