I just want to be happy

I don’t understand

why does it hurt so much just to be alive?

I push everyone away even though it kills me to be alone

I need something but I don’t know what it is

I try and I try and I try to be strong and brave and start each day brand new 

but it all hurts so much

just mere existence is a sluggish and painful walk

like trying to run in water

I keep kicking and kicking without going anywhere

Everywhere I go I keep feeling the desire to just get out

No matter how beautiful a day is

all I want to do is leave

go home

wherever that is

because even when I go home I want to just get out

like I want to be somewhere and nowhere at the same time

gone and going away far far away

running from myself

myself and the sorrow I carry

what makes me this way? why am I plagued with so much pain?

Numbing pain

I am trying to be strong, but I am so very weak

I can’t do this on my own and yet I feel like no one can help me

does anyone truly understand the feelings of wanting to escape from your own self

wanting to just be someone else

just for a day

taste what it feels like to be free and rid of yourself

I just want to be someone else because I don’t like myself

How did it come to this? I used to be so strong

What happened? What was the trigger?

I just want to be back to who I used to be

Full of joy and free to be, free of me

When did the darkness begin to take over?

I wish I could go back and warn myself,

stop myself from becoming me

Maybe change the course and give myself a good and solid chance of becoming someone else, someone great

but I guess life doesn’t work like that

there’s no magic, there’s no three wishes or fairy dust to help us fly

there’s no time machines to make better of our lives

there’s just this flat world, like a dirty white canvas, waiting to be cleaned and used 

waiting to become colorful and bright 

waiting waiting

always waiting

always wishing

always wanting something else

never content

Always wanting to live and be bright yet 

All I am is dying and covered in a shadow

I wish I could put blame on someone else

Make a villain 

A face to the darkness, a face I can hate but all I see is my own reflection

I want to live 

I want to be joyful

I want to just be happy

truly happy

If I want it so badly then why am I not happy?

Shouldn’t the simple desire be enough?

Why isn’t it enough?

like a leach attached to my spine

an emotion I have not yet a name for

unnamable unchangeable unbreakable

like sorrow but deeper

like anger but softer

like death but lonelier 

what than, curses me with such hatred

such despise 

such pain in my soul, numbing pain

for my own existence

my own essence

my own image perceived by the world

what used to fuel my anger and passion to move on

now eats me alive

like a flame sparks form on wood but soon devour it

I too began as a spark from this part that sets me apart

now I can’t help the whispers

whispers of lies

you are wrong

you are incorrect

you are out of place

out of shape

not you're out of you and apart from you're yet trapped in you

chained inside thick fatty tissue suffocating me

i want to scream, it all pains me so, the pain of existence

not that i want to die, Because I don’t

I want to live, that’s the whole point

I want to live so badly but this pain is killing me

I want to cry and tell of all my misery and pain

but I fear of hurting those who love me and those who matter so much

I fear my own pain will hurt them all, because I know it has already

so I keep quiet, silent as I implode 

a star dying, creating a black hole in its whole

breaking breaking down to nothing but dust

no one can help me now, it’s all up to me to help myself

I wish this would inspire me, but it only dreads me

where did it all go?

the passion the love the excitement 

the hope

all now replaced with pain and agony inside stillness and silence

how can one hate their own reflection?

such a thought used to be so distant now familiar

so what’s the hope in it all? Not a matter of meaning but a matter of purpose

where does mine lie? Lies. 

Isolation. So very isolated in this forest emptied of all its color

no. not a forest. not with trees. an expanse of tall shadows stretching to the highest place unseen. 

will it all stop? I try and I try so hard.

I’m always trying. 

Can’t you tell I’m trying? 

Can’t you tell I’m crying for help because I’m trying, because I’m dying?

A silent cry for help.

Is it chemical or is it me.

Is it me or is it here. Is it this or is it just me. 

Am I the one walking around with eyes closed off to sunlight or is it I who now sees

sees the truth of life, the darkness 

I just don’t know anymore

I can’t tell what’s real and what’s not

All i can tell is it hurts and all I want to do is cry

All I want is to live

All I want is joy

All I want is light

Yet I am surrounded by darkness

Always