Enough

Sometimes when I look in the mirror, not every day just some days, I don’t feel pretty. 

I am a strong activist in making sure everyone feels beautiful and comfortable in their own skin. However, I seem to have the most self-image issues. It’s hard not to nit-pick at every little detail of your own human body. 

My nails aren’t long enough, my fingers too chubby, my thighs too thundery, my toes are just plain weird, my stomach will never be small or flat enough, my boobs are too small, my butt isn’t tight enough, my lips are too thin, my eyebrows not dark enough, my roots too dark, I’m so freaking short, my legs are disproportional to my torso, my arms too flabby, I’m not strong enough, I’m not fast enough, enough enough ENOUGH! 

I don’t think I would feel this way if I had nothing to compare myself to. 

Some standard, some criteria I feel I need to fit. Sometimes I wonder, if I lived alone on a remote tropical island, just me, myself, the sea, and the sun, would I feel this way? Would I think these things about myself?

When I imagine this place, I feel fine. I feel my insecurities rolling off my shoulder. Because out there, no one would compete, no one would compare, I could just be me. 

I could run freely on the beach with no concern for how people might see me, I would lounge on the sand and swim in the sea and eat fish and fruit all day. I would sleep on the sand heated from the day, under the inexhaustible amount of stars above me, because there would be no light pollution. 

There wouldn’t be any pollution of any kind. No mind pollution, no magazines, no TV, no celebrities. 

I could just live, free. 

I would need only a knife and an endless supply of sketch books and pens and pencils. But I kind of need music to live too. So maybe my ukulele too. 

It would be beautiful. I could just sit and draw and write, take baths in the waterfalls, eat good fruit, exercise as I please, and swim swim swim in the sea. 

This is my dream. Kind of lonely but I like to be alone. But not in public places. I like to be alone in nature. It’s my favorite thing. 

Maybe, hopefully, someday, God will bring someone into my life who will understand and be able to sit silently with me. Someone who’s presence gives me the same peace of being alone without the stress of other people. Someone who will understand the things I think are important and know how to keep things in place. 

I get angry when things are out of place. Not in the way where I’m OCD about how a table should be set or how my room is put or anything, but in a broader sense, with people. Some people are just so out of place. 

I can so clearly see the shit in this world. And it sucks. If I had it my way, I would gather everyone and fill them with truth, beauty, and love. 

If I could have any super power it would be the ability to place warmth and kindness into someone’s heart. I could just reach over and gently slip my hand into someone’s chest cavity, right between the ribs, and light a match in their heart, thaw out the ice, seal the torn pieces, patch up the holes and soften the edges. 

Then maybe everyone would feel like they were enough. Because in truth, we are. You are enough. You can’t wait on the day when someone else decides to love you. You have to first love yourself. 

Your nails are the best length and look great with that polish. 

Your hands are crafted that way so you can create, just look at all you’re capable of with your square strong hands, your thighs and your legs are beautiful and can run and jump and kick ass. Your toes are absolutely PERFECT, there are the exact copy of your sweet mother’s which makes them even better. 

Your stomach is strong and sweet and wonderful, no matter the size. 

Your boobs are even and round and wonderfully proportionate to your body (and so easy to dress) and let’s be real, boobs have one job, make milk, so yours are great simply because they boobs. 

Your ass, girl, your ass is phenomenal, you know how to shake that ass like nobody’s business. Your lips know how to smile and frown and be stern and laugh and speak truth, thats awesome!

Your eyebrows are what make your face, they are so amazing at portraying your emotion and expressing your feelings when you simply just can’t. 

Your hair lightens and darkens with the seasons, you actually embody the change of season in the colors of you! How amazing is that!? 

You are an amazing and adorable height, perfect for climbing on things and traveling around and reaching high places, you fit everywhere! Compact and minimalistic, how perfect!? 

Your legs and torso are perfect in proportion, you always knew that, don’t let that one person’s comment on your body change your idea of yourself, because you know the truth. 

Your arms are soft and and cuddly and strong and can do SO much. 

You are strong. Not in just the physical way. But emotionally. Girl, you can handle some real shit. You know what is important in life and you know what is worth putting your strength into, and that is wisdom, and wisdom is strength. And you are so fast, you’re always one step ahead of the game. You’re so fast, you need to slow down. Take a breather, take a moment to take it all in and just pause.......because you are more than enough. You are loved. 

The Beautiful Nightmare

I had a beautiful nightmare last night, there was a parade and I was in a long white gown with slits in the waist and one shoulder dropped, it constricted my knees and made it hard to run. I had to run, because I was being chased. I was being chased by all my past failed romances, the ones that persisted after denial. One by one they gave up on the chase until the ones whose persistence lasted longer and longest continued to chase me. I could name them all, except one. I ran and ran through the parade and through shoppes with wild season sales, people frantically moving everywhere. I ran and ran, up elevators. Until I had outrun all but one, the one I couldn't name because I couldn’t recognize. I hid in a bathroom with a ten foot pole with a fishing hook as my only defense. The chase had run for hours. Only the tip of the hook was visible from the hall and if I just hand’t moved it, I could have stayed hidden, but i pulled my overbearing defense in toward myself and in doing so I alarmed the unnamed man-boy chasing me. he ran into the bathroom and saw me standing there in the shower, my long gown destroyed from the chase and my knuckles white from clutching the 10 foot fishing hook. I stretched it out toward him, with the sharp tip pressed against his chest, he pressed forward pushing me back, pinning my defense 10 feet between us. He spoke something that doesn't make any sense now that i'm awake. “you're just going to disappoint them, your sister. everyone. if you run, i'll catch you, if you hide i'll find you. you can never escape from me.”  I was afraid to hurt him, he carried a false innocence with him. He looked so handsome and sweet and seemed very strong and attractive, but in a terrifying offensive way. I couldn't keep around him because I knew It would just end in pain, so I escaped and ran to an elevator, the doors closing just in time before he could catch up to me. I arrived at the bottom floor of a tall building and ran out the lobby and into the woods. running and running and hiding. I was out of breath when I finally awoke, panting like it had all been real. My bones ached as I rose from my bed. Still half asleep and awestruck that my dream had lasted so long, I contemplated in my dazed mind what it all could have meant. My only conclusion, it was a beautiful nightmare.